Here's a direct copy/paste from my ubersite post ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/39766 ).  Enjoy, you lazy fuck.

<DISCLAIMER> This guide is by no means a definitive guide to the game of poker. These are merely observations I have picked up throughout my time playing poker. I am in no way liable if you lose your car, house, firstborn, peener, etc. while gambling. Basically, no matter what, you can't sue me! Nur nur nur nur nuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr! </DISCLAIMER>

As many of you probably know, poker has taken a sharp upswing in popularity recently, with millions of Americans watching such shows as the World Poker Tour on the Travel Channel and World Series of Poker on ESPN. So, I have decided to present this guide, based on my experiences and observations while playing, to the most popular form of poker today, Texas Hold 'em. Along the way, I'll try and throw in some anecdotes from my experiences and some poker lingo so you can understand what the hell's being said at the table. My apologies to more experienced players, but I think it is only proper to begin with the rules of the game. I'll get into more strategy in later installments.



POKER HAND STRENGTHS

First, I think we should start out with the hierarchy of poker hands. Hold 'em is played with a standard 52-card deck, and normal poker rules apply. So, here are the hands, in order from best to worst:

ROYAL STRAIGHT FLUSH: This hand comes once in a lifetime, and just about automatically wins. It is made up of the A, K, Q, J, and 10 of a single suit. If you ever get one of these, feel free to joygasm all over the room. No one will blame you.

STRAIGHT FLUSH: To use a baseball analogy, the straight flush is like a no-hitter to the royal flush's perfect game. Still incredibly rare, there's pretty much no way you can lose with one. Let's put it this way: if you catch one in a Vegas casino, the casino will pay you because of it. You've got one if you have five consecutive cards (ex. 5, 6, 7, 8, 9), all of one suit.

FOUR OF A KIND: You won't see one of these very often, either. Feel free to bet strongly with one of these, as you're almost definitely going to win. It's pretty self-explanatory, but if you got 4 of the same card, you got it. These are sometimes referred to as "quads."

FULL HOUSE: The best hand you'll see on a fairly regular basis. A full house consists of a tree of a kind and a separate pair. For example, if you have three Q's and a pair of 9's, that's a full house. It should be noted that if two people have full houses in a hand, the person with the high three of a kind wins. Full houses are commonly referred to as "boats."

FLUSH: A flush is a fairly common, but still really strong hand. A flush occurs if you have five cards, all of the same suit. If two players have a flush in the same hand, the player with a higher "kicker" (high card) wins the pot. Say you have 2, 5, 10, Q, A of hearts and your opponent has 3, 7, 8, J, K of hearts. You win, because the A is higher than his K.

STRAIGHT: A straight is also fairly common, and also pretty strong. You have a straight if you have five cards in consecutive order (such as 8, 9, 10, J, Q). The kicker rule applies with straights, too.

THREE OF A KIND: After a straight comes three of a kind, also known as a "set." You've got one if you have three of the same cards. Like usual, the kicker rule applies.

TWO PAIR: If you have two different pairs in your hand, you have two pair. Simple enough, right? Like in full houses, if your high pair is higher than your opponent's high pair, you win. Kicker rule applies.

PAIR: The hand you'll be most often trying to win with in Hold 'em. Pretty self-explanatory; if you have two of the same card, then that's a pair. Kicker rule most often comes into play here.

HIGH CARD: Try to stay away from betting with high cards. They will occasionally win, but a successful poker player rarely, if ever, plays with just a high card.



THE BASIC RULES OF HOLD 'EM

Hold 'em looks fairly simple, but there are a lot of details that will confuse a new player, and make Hold 'em a tougher game to just pick up and play than seven-card stud or draw poker. However, the basic rules of the game are not too complicated. I'll get more in depth later.

At the outset of the game, each player is dealt two cards face down. These are commonly referred to as your "hole" or "pocket" cards. After this initial deal, there is a round of betting. Now is the time to decide whether your hand is strong enough to continue to play it. After the first round of betting, three cards are dealt into the community. This is called the flop.

A special word must be said about the community cards. The community card system is one of the nuances of Hold 'em that new players have the most trouble getting used to. In Texas Hold 'em, you make your hand by combining any five cards from the two in your hand and the ones in the community. The community cards make Hold 'em more complicated than other poker games because you have to consider whether a community card helped your opponent more than it helped you. For example, let's say your hole cards are the king of hearts and the kind of clubs (pocket kings are known as "cowboys"). The flop comes 6 spades, Q spades, A spades. Now you have to worry about your opponent(s) having (a) a flush (made if they have two spades in their hand) or (b) a pair of aces. See? It can get complicated when you try and factor in all the variables. We'll cover situations like that in the future.

Anyway, after the flop there is another round of betting. Then a fourth card is dealt in the community. This is known as the "turn" or "4th street." Another round of betting occurs, and the fifth and final card is dealt into the community. This is called the "river." The final betting occurs, and then the players show their cards. Highest hand, obviously, wins.



BLINDS

Another feature of Hold 'em that takes a while to get used to is the betting system. Unlike games such as Stud, where every player antes a fixed amount at the beginning, in Hold 'em, there are "blinds." At the beginning of each hand, two of the players must place bets before seeing their cards. The blinds rotate around the table. The amount of the big blind is generally between 1/8 and 1/15 of the average stack (the amount of chips each player has). The small blind is usually half the amount of the big blind.

The reason for the blinds system is to ensure that there is action every hand. Usually, even if every other player folds down their hand, the small blind will call the amount of the big blind just to see the flop. Players can raise the blinds if they wish, and this often occurs if a player has strong hole cards, such as a pocket pair.



Well, that's a basic outline of how the game is played. Experienced players, if I forgot anything or got something wrong, please feel free to correct me. The next installment will be about basic strategy. Until then, see you at the tables!